Living a double life

I live life twice. One, is what people see. There is a physical and emotional balance in this one, with only a few moments of disconnection that probably make others think there's something weird in me. But mostly "normal". No worries, no panic...
The other one is in my head. This is a life full of thoughts webs, lies, battles, failures and non-real decision. It's a life surrounded by punching bags, banging heads to walls and vomit. But it doesn't exist only in my head, it's not a life made only of thoughts. It's a real one. My body hurts. I feel the pain. I make sure it. I'm dizzy, I'm sad for no reason. I get angry if I text you and you don't reply or if you're rude... Because I'm tired, I'm living twice. Before you reply, I have created an absolutely reasonable building of circumstances and judges to explain why you're not texting me or what is moving you to do it.
My nails become guns in this life and, as I have to manage to go to work and smile at my students, I'm making the palms of my hands bleed. I don't breathe normally, because I have to breathe twice. Think twice. Speak twice. Turn off the alarm clock twice. I have to wake up twice. And I wish I could sleep at least once.
I love my life, even when it's like a movie with extreme risk scenes that can only be played by me. And I would like my relatives, my best friend, my boyfriend, my everything to know that... I just don't know why I live life twice. But all around me hesitates, shivers... Sometimes it's like living riding the fastest bike without breaks. Then I collapse. And my double life becomes none. I hear you all telling me how to do it, how it is. I see you showing me a highlighted way to exit, to end with my despair. But I can't move.
It takes me a while, sometimes a long time, but I finally move. And I move twice.

I'm trying to live once, be patient. Thanks...

Pca